Praying Away the Gay

An excerpt from an interesting article in Details magazine, titled Deliverance: The True Story of a Gay Exorcism:

Kevin closed his eyes, thinking to himself, “There’s something wrong with me; I need to change.” A part of him believed this prophet could do what no one else had been able to do during previous deliverance attempts—make him heterosexual. But the prophet was loud and she looked at him with disgust and contempt as her chants became more and more belligerent. Even now Kevin can’t bring himself to repeat the most hurtful things she said. He soon began to cry. And then, with the prophet still exhorting the demons in him to depart, he blacked out and collapsed. When he regained consciousness, he stood up and returned to his seat. His shame was turning to rage. He searched his mind and thoughts and found he was unchanged—he was still attracted to men. In the past it had been family members—his mother, his aunt, or his uncle, the church’s pastor—who performed deliverance on him. This time it was a stranger, and she had pushed him beyond the breaking point. Never again, he decided, would he allow himself to be treated this way.

Anyone thinking that exorcism is at all a legitimate practice might want to think again. Self-proclaimed exorcists are nothing but con-artists and swindlers who prey on people’s superstitions.

If you still feel like you need to go to a church so they can pray the gay out of you, I’ll give you an alternative that is much simpler, less scary and will have the exact same success rate:

Step 1. Run a Google image search for “Sherlock Holmes.”

Step 2. Click on the highest-resolution image you can find.

Step 3. Print it out.

Step 4. Stand in front of your Sherlock Holmes print-out.

Step 5. Pray to Sherlock Holmes and beg him to heal your gayness; and promise him that if he cures you, you’ll buy him a new curvy pipe and crazy hat and a bag of cocaine for his alluded-to addiction.

I, Marc “Black Jeezus” Velazquez, personally guarantee the exact same results as exorcism from using Black Jeezus’ patent-pending Sherlock Holmes De-Gayifying Procedure. You can take it to the bank.

*smile*

*tooth sparkle*

Summary: Exorcisms don’t work because there’s no such thing as the devil, or demons, or spirits, or hell. Anyone who says differently (and fails to produce the evidence for it) is either lying, ill-informed, or an idiot. Don’t fall for it.

One thought on “Praying Away the Gay

  1. But my mother’s pastor’s 2nd cousin’s maid’s niece’s best friend said that HER neighbor’s landlady’s son went to a gay exorcism and was CURED, honey! All he had to do was touch Butter Jesus’ charred remains. HALLELUJAH!

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