A Post About Candy (or, Why Jolly Ranchers Are Awesome)

A co-worker recently posed an interesting question for my consideration, which I will now re-pose unto you humans.

Why do Starbursts still include the yellows?

I’m willing to contend that fewer than 10% of human beings in full possession of their sense of taste actually enjoy eating lemon-flavored candy. Probably less. I have yet to see someone set out a bowl of Starburst candies and not find the bowl containing nothing but yellows three days later. And the same is true of Skittles.

The logic behind the inclusion of lemon in the mixed-flavored candy repertoire is erroneous to begin with. What kind of executives were sitting at a board meeting saying to themselves, “We need one more flavor to add to the fold. What should it be? Wait… how about that fruit that makes people recoil in disgust when they taste it? Eureka!”

Seriously, if you’re reading this, you’re probably aware that lemon is a terrible flavor in any candy. Lemon, in fact, only works in three contexts: lemonade, lemon jello, and Liz Lemon.

Yes, I am fully aware of the rule of the excluded minority. Of course, there is the occasional weirdo that likes the lemon-flavored candies. But why do the rest of us have to resort to picking yellow Skittles out of the bag just to appease these rare few? That’s what the fuck Lemonheads are for. (Tell me you didn’t secretly hate the family on the block that gave out Lemonheads at Halloween.) If you like lemon, there’s a candy made specifically for you. Don’t impinge upon my snack food.

This is why I have mad respect for Jolly Ranchers.

Jolly Ranchers realized some time ago that they were wasting valuable candy resources manufacturing lemon-flavored Jolly Ranchers that only ended up in the garbage or neglected in a junk drawer somewhere. So they abolished those bitches and replaced them with blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers. Which, as we know, is The People’s Jolly Rancher.

Now I can go out and buy a bag of J-Rizzles knowing that I won’t have to throw a fifth of them into the trash or into one of my co-worker’s desk drawers.

And that is what the American consumers want, Mars Incorporated, manufacturers of Starburst fruit chews and Skittles confectionery. We want the freedom to reach into a bag of candy and not pull out a yellow globule of yuck. We demand that you learn from Jolly Rancher’s courageous example and realize that not all flavors are created equally. That not every fruit deserves to have its flavor replicated in soft-taffy form.

And if you don’t believe me, I challenge you to start selling each flavor separately. See which one is the first in line to get discontinued. Only then shall you realize the error of your ways.

Until then, I’m inclined to stick with Jolly Ranchers. The candy of the masses. The candy of the under-appreciated and ignored.

Recognize, or suffer the citrusy consequences.

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