Where I Be

You know how sometimes, you can have a day that’s just monumentally shitty. One unfortunate stroke of misfortune after another. Like, maybe you sleep through your alarm and you forget to put on deodorant in your hurry to leave, and then you spill your entire cafecito on your brand new shirt before you even get a sip, and then you get to work two hours late and your boss yells at you for being alive, and then your doctor calls you and tells you he’s concerned about a lump and that he wants you to come in this week so he can thoroughly test you for butthole cancer, so you spend the rest of the morning reeking of sweat and coffee, trying to focus on getting work done, but you can’t because you can’t stop thinking about dying of butthole cancer, and, now that you think about it, you swear to god you can feel it in there, and you can’t sit comfortably. Malignant tumors in your booty hole. Cancer of the asshole. What an appropriate way to die. And as you ponder this, you realize you’re four hours into an assignment that you’ve done completely wrong and you realize now that you’re going to have to start again from scratch, and yada yada yada and fast forward through another eight or nine hours of one consecutive terrible thing after another, made ten times worse by the fact that you can no longer find a comfortable seat, anywhere.

Finally, you get home from the police station, pay the taxi driver and apologize for what you left in his back seat and for the fact that you don’t have enough for a tip, go inside, move your bowels with some discomfort, replace the dressing on your forehead that’s starting to get bloody and soggy, remove your shirt (which now has mustard, bird shit, sheep’s blood, and human urine added to the collection of stains), take off your pants (which are actually someone else’s pants and three sizes too small)…

But then, something good happens. Maybe you take a nice, long, relaxing bubble bath, and you make a bubble beard and bubble armor and declare yourself the bubble god and banish your worries to the underworld and watch them disappear down the drain along with the bathwater. Maybe your friend comes over and brings you some McDonalds and before you know it, you’re laughing and crap-talking over McNuggets and Dr. Pepper, and you don’t even remember what a crap cake day you just had. Maybe you flip on the telly, and something awesome is on, like your favorite movie just starting with no commercials, or a news report saying that Lil Wayne died earlier today from crashing his private jet into a volcano. Whatever it is, the point is something good happens that cuts through the bad shit of your day like a lightsaber through a stick of butter, and keeps you from going off the deep end.

Suddenly, life isn’t so bad. Tomorrow’s a new day. There’ll be a new shirt. Your pants will be yours. You probably don’t have butt cancer and even if you do, it’ll be alright. Work will be okay, and even if it isn’t, you hate your job anyway. There’s a giant mountain in front of you that you’ll have to climb, but at least the valley is behind you.

That was my overly elaborate way of explaining how I feel right now. How sometimes, the clustering of misfortunes can make simple pleasures that much better, and make you appreciate it more when things go right. So to anyone that might be wondering where I went and how I’ve been, I’ve been better, but things are looking up. I have this feeling that the next phase of my life is going to be very significant in a way I don’t entirely understand yet. Kinda like a dead phoenix.

It’s been difficult to get myself to write lately, but I’m going to try. I think maybe I need to.